I would like to say the trip to Rome was uneventful; it was not. I can honestly say, and the rest of the clan would back me up with this, the best thing about it was arriving in Rome. It’s not what you think. Yes, the flights are long and cramped and yes, you never really get any sleep, but if that was the only issue, I’d have nothing to write about.

1. Customs Strike – Melbourne

Being super organised, we had no trouble booking in and getting through customs with plenty of time to spare. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 2255 and we were probably at the gate by about 2130. Unfortunately for the 400 odd people on board, there were nine people who, for whatever reason, had been not so organised. I think it was the pilot who announced customs staff would not fast track them. We waited for these last remaining passengers to get through customs and our plane finally took off just after midnight.

2. Hamish

Hamish promptly fell asleep soon after we boarded. Rod and I foolishly thought we were going to be set for the rest of the flight; I mean, the kid can sleep. Two hours later Hamish woke up in a terrible state, crying and screaming. I held him and tried to calm him. No good. Rod tried. No good. “I want my sister Jessie!” I think Rod was happy to hot foot it out of there and swap seats with Jess. Hamish calmed down and settled in to watch 8 back to back episodes of Peppa Pig. By this stage it’s about 0230. Awesome. 2 hours in.

3. Do you need a Nurse?

I think a few of you know I was keen to deliver a baby on my flight to Rome. I mean, I don’t know much about it, but I figured it would pass the time. I’ll let you off the hook. I didn’t deliver a baby.

I set off to take Hamish to the toilet. As we got there I noticed a pair of feet sticking out from the corridor where the toilets are. I didn’t initially get involved, but after a few seconds, I stuck my head around the corner to see a youngish guy with oxygen on and another young (and amazingly good looking) guy at the airway end of things. A couple of male flight attendants were also there, plus this guys’ Mum. I said, “Do you need some help? I am a nurse.” Well, they were all very relieved I was there. Turns out the airways guy was some sort of ambulance driver from London who knew a thing or two. He basically handed over that he had found this guy on hands and knees crawling to the bathroom; thought he was smashed. He wasn’t. Guy had leg cramps, dizziness and headache. In this middle of this ‘handover’ Hamish says, “Mummy I have to do a wee now!” I told them I’d be back in a minute. With Hamish hand balled to Jess, Mr Gorgeous and I did a bit of an assessment of vital signs and I did a neurovascular assessment on his calves/legs. They were fine. We all thought he was perhaps a bit dehydrated and had some soft tissue damage to his calf; turns out he runs 12km per day and had already strained his calf prior to the flight.  One of the flight attendants took him down to the back of the plane where there was a bit of space for him to walk around and stretch his legs. After a bit more of a chat to Mr Gorgeous about the guy, I went back to my seat. 30 minutes had gone by in a flash. Excellent.

4. You’ll have to call the flight attendant

Guy’s Mum came and asked me for more assistance for her son (who I suspect was in his early 30’s) a few hours later. He told me he was still dizzy and every time his head fell forward, it was hard for him to breathe. It was hard for me not to laugh! I told him to recline his chair; “It’s not comfortable,” he replied. I said, “Mate, look around you, no-one is comfortable.” He was turning into ‘that’ patient. He wanted the oxygen. Mum asked me to get some oxygen, I said she’d have to call for a flight attendant. To be honest, I don’t think there was much wrong with the guy, except he was probably needed fluid and electrolyte replacement and a big shot of cement.

5. Turbulence

I once read turbulence for a plane is like a bumpy road for a car. Tell that to Hamish’s stomach. Why is it when you need a spew bag there’s none. Fortunately I had my bare hands to catch Hamish’s late night snack as it poured from his mouth. Is this the greatest sign of love? I mean, you know you really love someone if you’re prepared to catch their spew. Of course at this stage, all flight attendants were buckled in for the bumpiness so Jess and I dealt with this hell until I woke Rod up to help find a vomit bag. At the same time, Jess who has been dealing with Hamish so well, looks out the window to see the haze of clouds brightened by the planes beacon lights. She shuts the window as a means to dealing with the turbulence which she hates; she’s feeling sick too.

So picture this. Jess is sitting in the window seat looking paler than usual with a vomit bag ready. Hamish in the middle, is covered in vomit. I am in the aisle seat, holding my hands up like a surgeon waiting to have his gloves put on. Like troopers, we just wait it out until the pilots give the all clear. We have a spare set of clothes for Hamish and he happily strips down to his boxers whilst we clean up. Great. Another hour down.

6. Dubai

The rest of the flight is actually, uneventful. My ‘patient’ has a team of paramedics waiting for him at the airport. I receive a first class toiletries pack as a gift from a grateful flight attendant. I tell him it was not necessary, but I love it anyway.

Dubai is the most organised, clean airport I have even seen. We arrive late, of course, and work out how to get to the next gate (by train) and board relatively quickly. Emirates flight is lovely. Food excellent. Staff all good looking. Hamish sleeps for the next 5 hours and only wakes up as we are getting ready to descend into Rome. Lucky child.

7. Customs Strike – Rome

It appeared the Customs Officers at Rome airport were also on strike, but it’s just the speed they go. The line for customs was extremely long, and just when you think you’re nearing the front, there’s a barrier that snakes around and around, so it just appears you’re getting close. The situation was not improved by Hamish yelling out, “I’m sick of lining up!” I mean, I guess it’s what everyone else was thinking too. Customs officer did not even look up at us as we gave him our passports; just stamped them and waved us through.

8. Peugeot who?

We were to pick up our Peugeot lease car from Rome airport. Rod had called to double check the booking Wednesday prior to our departure. You can probably imagine how we were all feeling getting to Rome. Excited to finally be here, I couldn’t even express in interpretive dance how exhausted we all were. We didn’t expect there would be someone holding a sign saying “Dunbar” so we don’t look for it. Pity. Spent the next hour trying to find out where the Peugeot booth at the airport was, had multiple fails at trying to use Rod’s newly acquired travel sim to call Peugeot Italy. Finally got through on a public pay phone and found out where to meet up. Met Marco who probably thought very little of us by this stage. He was very patient though, even when Rod went to drive the shuttle bus to the depot: “No Sir, I will drive.”